Outing the Gay Agenda

Note: This piece, in its original form, was a piece I submitted as part of the commentary staff for The Cowl (The Providence College student-run Newspaper). As a little background, I'm not entirely sure if it was my inability to communicate the satire, or the fact that the satire hit a little too close to reality in terms of a PC mindset by some students, that led to the small controversy. Friends of friends were in tears stating that "Jayo Miko Macasaquit is a bigot who should not be a writer for The Cowl!", and "I can't believe someone with this belief on this campus exists!", among other such outcries. If you know me however, you'd have no trouble seeing this as satire. The aftermath of this piece, as some already know, was a drawn-out, serious, and educated weekly debate gracing The Cowl's pages which I honestly am glad had happened. Though I had the last word on the issue of gay rights on The Cowl, it was because the school year had ended that the discussion halted, and not because the issue had been exhausted.

This little preamble exists as a warning that this is, in fact, satire (or at least an attempt at it). Further, I'll repeat what I've said to many in the past who have spoken to me about the piece's satirical nature: "Seriously, people, I used the term 'gaydiation'".

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Friends: one in six women in the United States have reported experiencing an attempted or completed rape. The homicide rate, though substantially decreasing in the U.S., is still among the highest in the world. In the same vein, and by far the largest threat to our society: homosexuals are trying to marry.

Impending gays, clad in postmodern filthrags.

In five of the 50 states, in fact, homosexuals are already permitted to do so, not to mention the Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon. The fact that five states and an Indian tribe have permitted this despicable act to take place on American soil undermines society at its core and this, my friends, is the pinnacle of the Gay Agenda. Let’s think clearly about this: five states and an Indian tribe have said no to tradition, to one of the staples of society. “Go free,” say five states and an Indian tribe. “There are no rules here now. Frolic, gays!”

I don't have a caption for this.

Forget the argument that nothing is sacred, for that argument is rooted in jealousy. Just because you gays can’t legally get married in Vegas, does not mean you can try and pervert the very sanctity of marriage. Marriage is holy, and thus you can’t have it. It’s ours. In fact, stay away from our right to divorce too. The significant percentage of our marriages that end in divorce, along with the increased rates of couples going to counseling over the years are testament to how much we value heterosexual marriage and, by allowing homosexuals the right to marry, we are destroying this sanctity.

It’s bad enough that our kids are being bombarded by gay stimuli in their everyday world. One cannot surf YouTube without having one's eyes harassed by the likes of Lady Gaga. By allowing gays to marry, you’re allowing gays access into our homes. Be prepared, friends, to see 40 duplicate chanels of HGTV, supermarkets renovated with glitzy gay aisles, and, out of politically correct necessity, an awful lot more penis. The inconvenience of this gay transition is something that the Gay Agenda does not seem to consider. America is totally fine in its heterosexual, predominantly white bubble. We’re still trying to deal with that race thing people keep talking about. Now you want to complicate things by adding homosexuality to our list of things we now have to accept? That, friends, is asking too much.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve been through two semesters of Introductory Biology. I’m not bigoted. I know fully well that gays aren’t contagious in a diseased sense. If they didn’t trendily choose to be abused by their peers, then I’m sure gayness happened in the womb. My blasphemy stops there, however, as I’m convinced that gays are radioactive. How else can you explain the fact that mere exposure to homosexuals is corrupting our children and making them gay? I’d even go as far as to say it’s intentional. Increased homosexual exposure is not only turning all our children gay, but as a result, allowing them to build their gay armies. Like in Twilight. This, my friends, is why we should cover our children’s eyes whenever we come across two men holding hands in public. Not only does this protect our children emotionally, but also from the gay-diation the gays are probably emitting.

If you’re thinking the above claims are outrageous, then consider the threat that the Gay Agenda has posed on our current armed forces. Fact: an estimated 2 percent of the military is gay. Friends, this infiltration is not only disturbing, but it also severely undermines military integrity. How do you suppose our brave, heterosexual men and women react to threats to national security, knowing that some of their fellow “comrades” are attracted to the same sex? What if a war happens? How will our men and women fight evil-doers when, at any given time, a homosexual may be fighting alongside them? God only knows how more than 30 countries, including U.S. allies such as Canada, the United Kingdom, and Israel, are able to deal with their don’t ask, don’t care policies. I, for one, am frightened.

The good old days, when being patriotic meant that your ass-hole was not a dartboard for homosexual craving-darts.

It’s a matter of principle: allowing gays to marry would be unfair to those who don’t like gays. It’s bad enough homosexual partners can easily trade clothes without causing an awkward situation, and that lesbian couples have been proven to raise adopted children with better academic and emotional outcomes than straight parents of adopted children. Now the Gay Agenda is after marriage, too? Well, friends, don’t even think about it. You can keep Celine Dion, The Wizard of Oz, and Dairy Beverages: Marriage is ours.